Leaving And Cleaving
God’s view of marriage is that there is a leaving and there is a cleaving: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Gen 2:24 NIV)
The Living Bible phrases it like this: A husband and wife are joined together in such a way that “the two become one person.” Christian marriages are in danger of failing if they do not follow the pattern given in Genesis. If the partners do not leave their parents in the broad sense, if they cling to past beliefs, desires and needs, they are not making a clean separation with their pre-married life. That does not mean they become isolated from family and friends, or interests and activities they enjoyed prior to marriage, but all of those things must take second place now.
In some cases, where there may have been relationships which were either unhealthy or which would not be suitable for the newly formed marital union a clean break may be called for. If there are relationships that you believe to be potentially harmful, they should be sacrificed for the good of your marriage.
There are times when separation from his or her family presents problems within the new marriage. It is vital that the two of you identify yourselves as a brand new family unit separate and independent from your own parents and the family life you enjoyed while living in your parent’s home. Serious tensions and strains on the marriage relationship will result if you do not insist on this separation. There is a reason why God did not simply say, “a man will be united with his wife…” but specifically stated that he will leave his father and mother and then be united with his wife.
Try your best not to live next door, or too close to either of your parents. You need a physical separation if you are going to ever establish your own family as an independent union. The extended family relationship is great, but it is unhealthy if it takes precedent over your own nuclear family, or if it blurs the lines between the two units. The family unit should be, father, mother and children. That doesn’t mean that you must move to the opposite side of the country. Simply set boundaries and adhere to them.
Wife, for you it may be harder than it is for him, but it is just as vital that you do so. No one is expecting you to break all contact with your family, but now your dependence is to be on your husband and not on your father. Rely on your husband to solve the problems of household and automotive repairs if he is so capable. Don’t call on your father to repair your car if your husband is capable of doing the job.
Certainly you will still have need of parental advice from time to time. So will he. The two of you as a couple will often solicit the advice of parents or other family members on matters of importance. Do it as it is mutually agreed between the two of you. Try to deal with your problems first before resorting to the help of others.
Wife, you have an intimate relationship with your mother deeper than the one he has with his. You share a confidence with your mother that though it is good, may present problems if you go overboard in revealing things that should remain between you and your husband. Be careful. There are things to share and there are things to keep quiet about. Don’t be so quick to criticize him. He is only human and he is doing the best he can. Besides, he is learning and will get better in time if you will fulfill your role of helper to him.
That said, if there are hints of trouble, or there are things going on which pose a real or potential danger to you or your children, then you are within your right and in fact, you have a responsibility to bring those things to light. Don’t keep abuse, whether it is physical, mental or emotional, a secret.
Husband, don’t dump on your wife to your friends. Never criticize her to others whether in her presence of not.
You must cleave to your partner in all that this represents. It is no longer a matter of “I”. It is now “We”. Cleaving implies gluing together. It becomes an inseparable union. You are no longer two. You are one. Like the weaving of individual threads into a fabric that is stronger by many times the strength of the individual threads, the threads of your two lives are woven together into a union that is stronger than the two individuals. Once individual threads are woven together into a fabric, the look of the individual gives way to the look of the whole. Likewise, the strength of the individual gives way to the strength of the whole.
You belong to each other. You are no longer your own. Paul states it this way: “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” (1 Cor 7:4-5 NIV)
A license, a ceremony and an exchange of vows do not make a marriage. Living together and consummating it does not create a marriage. A marriage is created and exists upon a cleaving and weaving relationship. It is the God created and blessed “we” relationship between two people who experience themselves as one, and who act accordingly.
Next: The Question of Compatibility
Previous: Introduction
Copyright © 2006 Dan W. Dooley
