Desperate Housewives


Long ago and far away, a young man found himself in trouble with a certain acquaintance of his, and hearing that a contract had been placed on his head, he skipped town. In fact, he skipped the entire country for one with no extradition treaty.

In his new homeland he hired on with a man who had a large spread of land. The land owner had two daughters, and being the hot blooded, highly hormonal type that this kid was, he quickly developed the hots for the youngest daughter. You see, she was what has been called in recent decades, "a fox". He fell head over heels in love with her and approached her dad to propose marriage to his daughter. The boy was a little on the old fashion side - what some now refer to as "old school" - and wanting to remain in the good graces of her father, he asked him for permission to marry his daughter. I suppose the old man thought this young hot shot would make a pretty good son in-law, so he agreed. He made known some peculiar conditions, but the young man was so blinded with love that he would have agreed to anything.

Without going into too much detail, I will simply say that in this country there were some peculiar customs related to marriage. What he did not know was that for all practical purposes, it was against the law for younger daughters to be married before their older sisters. At the least, it was against dear old dad's law.

Weddings were then, as now, party time. Great quantities of the juice of the grape flowed and with that indulgence came some sluggishness of alertness and thought. To add to the strangeness of the customs of the land, unmarried girls had a peculiar habit of wearing veils on the strangest of occasions. There may have also been a rationing of candles due to the scarcity of bees and beeswax that season. In any event, veil or not, come sundown it is dark inside the tent, and now it is time to enjoy the wedding night and all that that entails. I will spare the details in the interest of propriety.

The dawn came early and with that the light and a rather achy head. Guess who is sleeping next to him. He must have jumped out of bed like a shot out of a canon. It is not his dream bride. No. It's her plain-Jane older sister. What a turn off! She's not even that good looking. She's got a great personality, as they say, and that's the best way I can describe her. Time for a heart to heart talk with dear old dad in-law.

All is not lost, for in this country, a man can have as many wives as he wants. So a deal is struck and now he gets to wed the real love of his life. I suspect he looked under that veil just to be sure before they slipped off to the bridal suite. Ahh, what a night!

After the honeymoon for any married couple, it's back to life as usual. Somewhat "as usual" at least. It is a return to labors in the fields for him, and the brand new housewife must learn all of the chores and duties associated with that calling. In this case, it is both housewives. Their duty is to maintain the home and please the husband. Yes, this was in the distant past when that latter duty was considered a thing of merit.

Married life became an awkward thing for the two sisters. I suppose that a degree of rivalry had always existed between them. After all, the younger one was drop dead gorgeous and the older, as I've said before, was blessed with a great personality. The older one had learned well from her mother the arts of housekeeping, knitting and cooking. The younger one had learned the arts of fingernail painting, hair styling and makeup application. To be fair, she had been daddy's little helper faithfully tending to the sheep in the field. She was good at that.

Being a little on the, shall we just say, "less than nice" she got in little digs at her older sister. In girl talk time, she let it out how affectionate this stud that they both married was. That cut into older sister's heart. You see, she had fallen deeply in love with the guy. She loved him as much as her younger sister loved him. The problem was, he hardly gave her the time of day. He rarely spent the night with her and he gave her little affection. He was constantly fawning over little sister, and that hurt.

Ah, but justice was about to be served. With that new sickness she was feeling in the mornings, the local OBGYN confirmed that she was pregnant. She gave birth to a son. "Eat your heart out, little sis. Surely my husband will love me now."

For the next several weeks, little sister claimed her husband's nights. Every night, no matter how tired he might be from the hard day at the office, ok, "fields" actually, she demanded his night time attention.

"Hey, it's nice and I love you, babe, but it's wearing me out."

"You gave her a baby. I want one too." No luck. No pregnancy for little sister.

Things were not going as well as planned for older sister either. Yes, daddy loved the new baby boy, but mom got little of his attention. She did manage to talk him into spending the night with her on one occasion, and whoops, pregnant again. Another bouncing baby boy. "Surely he'll love me now. Look at the sons I've given him." Nothing really changed. The man is an emotional cripple, she must have thought. Then she sees him making out with little sister. "I hate you, sister! You ain't having him tonight. I'll see to that!"

Wham! Pregnant again. Three boys. "Hey, little sister, cat got your ovaries?"

Little sister is heartbroken. She is feeling totally humiliated and unfulfilled as a woman. "What's wrong with me? I can't even get pregnant." She breaks down in tears. In the middle of the night she wakes up hubby by shaking him. "What's wrong, darling?"

"You've got to give me a baby. If you don't I'll just die. You just must!"

"Whoa, girl. Who do you think I am? God?

"Look, I've got an idea," she proposes.

"Let me get this straight. You want me to have sex with your maid and make her pregnant? You'll claim the baby as yours?" He doesn't say it out loud but he has noticed that maid and she is hot. Besides, he does have his wife's permission. This could be fun.

So the maid becomes pregnant and nine months later little sister taunts older sister with the brand new baby. "See, he loves me better than you, anyhow."

"Darling, I know you love me. Do this for me again. Sleep with my maid again and let me have another child by her."

"Ok, sweetheart. If you insist. Just for you, because I love you." (secretly to himself, "YEAH!")

Nine months later little sister parades the newborn before her older sister. With a big grin, "guess who daddy loves most."

The older sister is heartbroken. Three sons she has given to the only man she could love and he still ignores her. He has never even told her that he loves her. "It's that trashy little sister of mine he loves. Just wait, one of these days her looks are going to go and then, that'll be good enough for her. Thankfully it's my turn tonight to get him into bed. It's time for another baby."

Sadly, no more pregnancies came to her. She cannot even talk him into sleeping with her any more. Then she came up with a brilliant idea. She too has a very hot maid. "Darling, have sex with my maid and make her pregnant so I can have another son."

Hubby thinks, "Yeah!"

This routine continues for a while and the house is filling with kids. The two sisters will hardly talk to each other. Each makes sure that the other sees her sons. "Yeah, he's my son. He looks more like his father than your son does."

The pregnancies have ceased now. He still loves the younger sister much more and now spends practically every night with her. It has been a long time since he has spent the night with older sister and she is feeling very neglected and alone. Her hatred for her younger sister is hardly disguised these days.

There is a peculiar plant that grows in this part of the world. It is known by the strange name "Mandrake." Local folklore says that if eaten, it enhances a woman's chances of becoming pregnant. One of the older sister's sons finds the plant growing wild and brings some of it home to his mother. She is elated. She believes strongly in the power of that plant. "If I can give him a son now that that other wife (she says that word with scorn) is no longer making babies, then I just know that he will realize how much I love him and he'll start having some feelings towards me."

Little sister happens to see the mandrakes and knowing what they're intended for thinks, "If I can have another baby, my husband won't ever want to sleep with my sister again. I'll have him for good and to myself."

She approached her older sister and with her sweetest smile, "Please, sister. You know I love you. You're my favorite sister. Pretty please. Can I have some of your mandrakes?"

Older sister is livid. "You've got to be kidding! First, you take my husband from me and now you want to take my son's mandrakes?"

"I'll let you sleep with him tonight."

"You will?"

"Uh huh."


So hubby comes home from a hard day in the fields. Older sister has bathed, done her hair, put on some Chanel #5 and done all else she can to doll herself up. She notices that out of habit he is heading towards little sister's house next door. She runs out the door to intercept him and grabs him by the arm. "You must sleep with me tonight," she purrs.

She becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son. Later she becomes pregnant again and now she has given him six sons. "Surely now, my husband will honor me. After all, six sons is no mean feat for any woman."

You guessed it. Little sister is dejected. "Am I losing him to her? What's the matter with me? How come I can't get pregnant any more? The witch! I hate her!"

Hollywood and the modern TV entertainment industry have nothing on the accounts of some real life human misadventures chronicled in God's Word. Read the whole story of Jacob and his two Desperate Housewives Leah and Rachel in Genesis 29 and 30.

Copyright © 2007 Dan W. Dooley